The main SRNSDT is that I'm glad as hell that, once I get over the shock of a bad thing, I tend to get determined to accomplish something, rather than curl up and die. Ashley's obviously going to occupy that special part of my brain reserved for a select few people I've known throughout my life, but I'm accepting that a. we're over, and b. I did everything that I thought was right that I could do to help her up to that point. I still get sad when I think about it, and I still really miss her, but right now there's not much I can do about it, so I soldier on. You can use that energy to sulk/worry/feel sorry for yourself, or to do something to improve your situation.

So here's some additional thoughts, in no particular order:

( Now improved with 90% more LJ Cut than before, for that extra space-saving shine! )

I guess that was deeper than I thought it would be. Back to studying...

A final note to all of my LJ peeps - comments make LJ worth living, and I'm gonna endeavor to comment more often. I loves y'all, and I think my writing dry spell's gonna end soon.

It just now occurred to me that I'll probably never sleep next to her again.

Ashley broke up with me today.

She had been in one of her long funks lately, and I think that funk precipitated this. Between school and finding out that her cat has terminal cancer, I can understand it, but I wish she could have opened up to me. I tried to let her know that I was there for her, that I would be her wingman for getting out of it, but it didn't happen. I think she was without me for so long that she stopped thinking of me as a boyfriend, and she can't bring herself to talk to me. You can't make someone get help, no matter how badly you want to. Damn this depression/anxiety stuff...

I loved her. There are very few people that I would have put up with this much for, but somehow I was dealing with it with her. I would have gone all the way with her, and I obviously don't mean just sex. I can't explain why, because all this is a lot more than I wanted to put up with from a girlfriend, but I would have. I was going to ask her to move in on her upswing. All this waiting for her upswing...all because I held back and didn't want to push her, and she still felt like I was pushing her too much (is trying to call her twice a week too much? Is it?!?). Depression and anxiety suck so bad - it ruins lives, like hers, and by extension, mine.

There's so much more I want to say, but I can't right now. I actually bought her the coffee that she likes just last night, to give to her when she started her upswing, and now it's sitting on my counter, and I have no idea what I'm going to do with it. I also just noticed that I'm rambling...please excuse the lack of flowing storytelling elements - I just don't feel like sounding tragically romantic or anything right now.

I gotta pull myself together and think. Thinking and doing constructive things are my coping mechanisms, and I hope it kicks in soon, because this hurts really bad. I have so much I want to say, so many things I want to think about, and I just can't type much more right now. That's weird for me. This little bit isn't doing the whole situation justice, either.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHRRRGGGHHH!!!

Typing just isn't cutting it right now!!!

Damn.

PS: If anyone tells me something along the lines of "it wasn't meant to be", whether on here or in real life, I'm going to throttle them hard, and I'm not kidding. Please, please don't let that stop you from saying anything; I just can't deal with that particular one right now.

PSS: I hope that she finds some useful help. I really, seriously and not lyingly do.

Seeing Ashley, even for only three minutes after two and a half weeks of not seeing her, is like an instant recharge for my Mikey batteries. I really needed that.

(yes, I am still alive - be back soon)

I got this with some Chinese takeout during my Chem class break today:

"Your tongue is your ambassador."

Sometimes, it's just way too easy.

It's been four months ago today that I asked Ashley to be my girlfriend, and four months ago today she said yes.

I still miss her when I'm not around her. Not that I can't handle it, but there's a definite absence when we're not together. When work gets out and the day is winding down, I totally look forward to going over to her house and being with her. I love holding her while we're falling asleep. I love sleeping next to her. And I both love and lament when I'm giving her a goodbye hug and kiss when I'm leaving for work.

It's been four months, and I'm so in love.

I never chose where or when I was born, or even why.
I didn't decide on what skin color, or height, or build, or sex I came here with.
I never had a say in what gifts or difficulties I was given.
I didn't ask to feel the way that I feel, or value what I value, or love whom I love.

But I do ask that you allow me to choose how I explore this shared existence of ours.
Recognize my unique path through life, and cheer me on, rather than slow me down.
And in return, I'll give you the same.
Because such recognition is the greatest gift that I can give.

I've been meaning to write more AGAIN, but...y'know how it goes. It's low ebb time in my writing right now, I guess.

But this just occurred to me (and here I'm writing from an American point of view 'cause I haven't been exposed to much of this outside of the US)...you know how some people fight for the idea of "intelligent design" to be mandatory in schools and various legislative acts, right? I wonder how much they'd stand up for it if someone started fighting for intelligent design with a, say, Hindu base? Y'know, the first god born from the cosmic egg, the primordial fluids from the previous universe coalescing into everything today, and every other god being facets of that first one? What if Vishnu was the one that saved the guy on the boat from the flood? Could it have actually been Shiva riding around on the backs of the dinosaurs (just before he nuked them)?

From an evidential point of view, the Hindu cosmogenesis seems to be supported by more facts than the Christian one, namely that the observed age of the Earth and evolution both fit neatly into their creation story...

I wonder how hard those creationists people would fight to support that? "Teach creation in schools, but only OUR version!" :p

I wonder why no public figure has brought THAT one up yet...

So much has been happening lately that I haven't had the time to write here as much as I've wanted. Here then is a summary of recent shenanigans from around La Vida de Miguel:

- Ashley and I (and her four cats) went up to her dad's lake house a week and a half ago; it's just northwest of Traverse City, Michigan, close to the Sleeping Bear Dunes. It was just her and I for several mostly-rainy days. I cooked way ahead of time so that we'd have more time to do other things, and we ended up spending most of the time indoors, although we both got completely torched when we fell asleep on the beach on the one cloud-free day. It was absolutely wonderful, other than the fact that the heater didn't work and it was about 60F/15C the whole time, so I cut a lot of firewood, and we made repeated use of Cable On-Demand. Of special note is the fact that we got along great during extended close quarters with each other, and we both made a note of that fact. Hm... ;)

- I canceled my school-school summer class at the last minute - it would have been Analytical Physics II in a time-compressed format, three nights a week from 6:00pm-9:30pm and 50% more homework per week. I want this summer badly, so I'm gonna take it in the fall along with Linear Algebra (or maybe Calc-III if Professor Bila is teaching it) instead. I tell you what, I hate math, but the higher the level I get into it, the more I can appreciate it. I'm gonna be double majoring in it 'cause the difference between a physics major's math requirements and a math major's is only a few classes, so why not?

- My sister's moving back to Adrian 'cause with the constant layoffs she and her husband are under they can't afford to keep their house anymore. Bummer. At least my niece can get Internet then.

- Work-school is wrapping up on Thursday, and I'm so ready for my annual "Changing Of The Pants" ritual where, as soon as the final bell rings, I drop my drawers in my office and put on shorts to symbolize the fact that I can now wear shorts at work. With the recent passing of the bond here, the summer's actually shaping up to be even busier than the school year for me. Hooray.

- I'm about to go car shopping for the first time since 2000. I'm much more a function-over-form kind of person, so I'm looking for something that's economical and reliable - my 1999 Protege is pushing 200,000mi/320,000km and has served me well, so there's a clue as to what I might go for. Anyone have any suggestions or horror stories to share? If I end up buying a car that someone here mentions, I'll send you a semi-random prize to be determined later.

- The Ann Arbor Deaf Club isn't going to meet again until September...argh! Just when I was getting proficient! I actually held my own on this last one - we met at the Eastern Accents coffee house (where I asked the girl behind the counter to make me any drink that wasn't coffee, so she made me a ginger tea with lemonade mix that she'd been grooving on lately - it was unique), then went to BD's Mongolian Barbecue again afterword. I got to see Phil and Terri again after having missed them for the past few meetings; they're busy being foster parents to a ten year old whose birth parents KEPT HIM IN THE BASEMENT because they didn't know how to deal with a deaf child. He's only been communicating through signing for a year and he's already many times better than I am. We all talked about the hockey playoffs (go Red Wings!) and they gave me an update on recent goings-on; it was good to catch up.

Thanks to everyone for the book suggestions! Of all the ideas, I thought that giddykiwi's David Foster Wallace suggestion was the closest to what I thought she'd like, so I picked up his Brief Interviews With Hideous Men for her. She said it was a slow start but that she's really into it now, so thanks, GK! I'll keep you all posted as she or I check out others you've recommended. As for me, I'm still on the Anton Chekhov anthology she picked out for me...I just don't read as fast as I used to anymore.

Is it weird to feel physically down when you can't see the one you love (it rarely ever happens but YES, I SAID IT, and so did she - O wonderful lake trip!)? I tried calling her on Monday after not having seen her since Saturday morning (I've only just found out that she was feeling sick all day yesterday) and I actually felt this little pain in my chest when I couldn't get a hold of her. As you guys know I'm normally a pretty independent person, so this is throwing me for a loop, although if you think about it, it's kinda cool in a looking forward sort of way. I do get to see her tonight, though. Ahhhhhhh.

She obviously has some strange power over me. It's maddening. But in a very good way. ;)

Ashley's been sick over this past week and a half, but now that she's starting to feel better we've been trying to get her out and do things other than lying in bed to build her strength back up. Friday night we decided to go out and get some dinner, and my only criteria was that we go somewhere that I've never been before. After looking through some of her mailers and coupon books, we decided to try the Blue Nile, an Ethiopian restaurant with a location in downtown Ann Arbor. She'd been there once, but I've never had Ethiopian food before, and whenever I think about it all that comes to mind are those "Save The Children" commercials that used to be all over television back in the 80s where the kids are eating out of a bowl with flies and they have those sad faces...damn manipulative cameramen and their religious agenda! The only thing I knew about this restaurant is what my fiend Gen told me - that it was good, all you can eat, and really expensive, which obviously must be why those missionaries were asking for money all the time. So with all that in mind, we went through the rain to the restaurant.

If you ever drive down Washington Street in Ann Arbor, you can't miss the huge neon Blue Nile sign. Despite that, the front door is not actually right underneath it, which was kind of confusing. We walked in, and an obviously North African man gave us the choice of either a booth or a basket, which was literally a thigh-high wicker basket sitting in the center of six or so chairs. There was definitely a new-to-me smell of something in the air, which at a new place is a good thing. We sat down at a booth and ordered tea and the vegetarian banquet, and not long after they brought us our tea and some very hot towels. So we folded them and set them aside, and after a minute they came and took them away (obviously used for washing hands before you eat...it makes sense after the fact!). The tea was VERY spicy...the cinnamon was overpowering; I'm not a fan of cinnamon as it is, and even Ashley thought it was too much, so we stuck to the water.

After about fifteen minutes they brought out a large metal plate with a strange covering and seven piles of various cooked lentils, greens, and a well-cooked potato and carrot mixture, along with a plate with what looked to be thick crepes. The crepes ended up being an amazingly stretchy flatbread called inerja, and we later realized that the covering over the metal pan was the same flatbread. What you do is tear a piece of the inerja off, then use it like pincers to grab something off of one of the piles of food, and then eat it. Believe it or not, it made complete sense, as well as instantly clarifying for me as to why the kids in the Save The Children commercials always seemed to be eating with their hands (I had always thought they were just too poor for utensils!).

A vegetarian (technically, vegan) seat cost about US$16 (€12) and it was well worth it. The food was simple and very, very tasty. As you finish a pile they'll bring out another refill of it, and despite not looking like it's a lot of food you get filled up very quickly. The bread was fascinating - being the nerd I am, I looked it up when I got home and found out that its secret is that the grain used, tef, has almost no gluten, which makes it very springy and stretchy. It never developed holes or anything, and my fingers stayed clean the whole night. I really wanted to take some home, but that's usually a no-no at an all you can eat place, so I just lived with what I had, which was excellent. I think I want to try to make some of the bread someday; Ashley wasn't a big fan of it, and it wasn't the most flavorful thing in the world, but it was totally intriguing. All in all the whole experience was wonderful, and I'm kicking myself for having lived in Ann Arbor for almost two years and never going there until now. Ashley got major points for introducing me to that one, and we're definitely going back sometime.

After that, Ashley gave me a tour of her dad's very nice, expensive-looking, slightly museum-like house. Including what used to be her bedroom. And it still had a bed in it. With her old sheets. And her parents were in Chicago...

Ashley's also trying to get me back into reading fiction 'cause I've been in this 17 year fiction exile (ever since my godawful junior year English teacher ruined it for me) and we decided to get books for each other to read that we think we'd like ourselves. So Saturday we went to Borders to do just that. Unfortunately for me it's been so long that I'm not familiar with anything recent, so for her I chose Travels With Charley from John Steinbeck and a collection of essays from Ralph Waldo Emerson. Not exactly heavy reading, but at least I'm kinda familiar with them and that's all I had to go on. For me, she chose Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris, A Walk In The Woods by Bill Bryson, and a collection of twenty short stories by Anton Chekhov. Also, apparently the Borders book store in downtown Ann Arbor not only allows dogs inside, but they actually keep dog treats behind the counter for them! Who knew?

So now I have a summer reading list, which also includes my own copy of the English translation of L'Etranger by Albert Camus because I've owned it for several years, never read it, loaned it to her, and now apparently we have to discuss it. She also took The Hot Zone from my shelf, which was heavily rewritten into the movie Outbreak if anyone's familiar with that. I'm also going to loan her Ghost Rider by Neil Peart once I'm done with it, even though it's not fiction. Those three books were really the only ones I own that she thought she'd like; most everything else on my shelves is either school-related ('cause I never sell back my textbooks - I like having a ready reference around), manuals and how-to's on various subjects from sports medicine and exercise to foreign languages to programming books, or the leftovers from my fiction-reading days of long ago that mostly consists of old fantasy books, which is what I read most of the time back then. So unfortunately for her, I'll be on the receiving end of most of the new fiction that comes our way. She has this thing against reading a book twice though (which also, slightly annoyingly, applies to movies), so I'll have to be careful that she hasn't read anything before, as well as try to find our common grounds when it comes to books.

So does anyone have any suggestions on some good books in the medical or legal drama/mystery, modern humor, or basically anything not fantasy/pre-American Revolution historical, sci-fi, young adult oriented or overly kitschy? I want to be able to offer her something other than the Dragonlance and physics books I have on my shelf right now. Anything that's stood out in your travels through modern writing?